I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
