I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
