just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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