if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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