I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
