why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the condom got lost in my hair
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
