I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
