what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
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