broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
