I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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