Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
