We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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