Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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