I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
