cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
