i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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