I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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