i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
