I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize