boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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