i think my mom watched the whole time
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
