every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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