i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
