yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just gift wrapped bread.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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