I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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