Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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