Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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