Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
