Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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