Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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