Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
