hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
