those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize