That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
