dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
