listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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