my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
