i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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