So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize