I met the friendliest cop last night
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
