I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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