Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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