i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
