I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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