Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
