i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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