Me. At least after what I've been through.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
