I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
