I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
