the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
