Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
