I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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