just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize