Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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