My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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