I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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