The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
